6 Affirmations I Tell My Kids as a Licensed Therapist
1. “You can do hard things.”
This is one I say every day. The first day of school. When struggling to do the monkey bars at the park. When learning how to put on clothes and get dressed. Telling your kids they can do hard things not only builds resilience but also instills confidence. As parents, we often want to jump in and save our kids when we see that they are struggling. However, there is a difference between your kids struggling and your kids suffering. It’s in the struggle that your kids will learn to problem solve, learn skills to regulate emotions and tolerate distress, and build self-sufficiency. The fact is that we can not protect our kids from experiencing distressing emotions, such as sadness, anxiety, fear, and jealousy. By teaching your kids that they can accomplish challenging tasks, you are setting them up for success and preparing them for the inevitable failures that will come in the future.
2. “What do you have?” “Grit.”
Similar to “You can do hard things,” this affirmation gives your kids confidence to do things that are not necessarily fun in the process. This is a saying my Detroit Lions-fan husband has adopted from the team and connected to how our kids perceive doing difficult things. If you have ever undertaken something challenging, such as running a marathon, overcoming a fear, or writing a doctoral thesis, you understand that while the process was incredibly difficult, nothing compares to the feeling of accomplishment when you are finished. We use this phrasing when taking our kids on a hike or when walking to school on a day that feels scary to our school-age child. Our kids are learning to understand that while the process of things is not easy or necessarily fun, it is fulfilling to be able to push themselves and do the hard things.
3. “You are more than a body.”
I took this affirmation from the book More than a Body. As a therapist who also recovered from an eating disorder, I want my son and daughter to know that their worth is about so much more than how they appear to others. They are fun, creative, hard working, and empathetic. None of these traits are related to their looks. In an age where so much of our culture is about image, thanks to social media, we want our kids to know that their worth comes from so much more than how they appear to others.
4. “Your body is an instrument, not an ornament.”
Similarly to “You are more than a body,” this affirmation comes from the incredible authors, Lindsay and Lexi Kite, of More than a Body. This affirmation teaches your kids the concept of body neutrality, which emphasizes accepting and respecting your body for what it can do, rather than its appearance.
5. “You are loved.”
Jean Piaget, a famous psychologist and educator whose primary focus was child psychology, taught the topic of egocentrism, which is the idea that kids are the center of their own universe. A child’s perception of reality is based only from their own experience. Because our kids believe that the self is the center of existence, they take what is said and soak it up like a sponge, personalizing statements to mean they are facts about them. For example, when a 9-year old girl hears her mother saying “Annie is so annoying. She only talks about herself when we get together,” rather than the daughter hearing her mother talk about one of her good friends, the daughter takes this statement as, “I need to make sure I don’t talk too much, so mom doesn’t think I am annoying.” Even though the mother was talking about one of her friends and this statement had nothing to do with the daughter, the daughter internalized the mother’s statements to be facts about the daughter. Our kids are sponges, and they soak up what you say. By instilling this belief in our children that they are loved, and by saying it often, our kids will develop the belief that one of the truest facts about them is that they are loved. When other kids at school belittle our kids, or when they are feeling ignored, our hope is that our kids will hold on to this belief that they are loved.
For parents who are also Christians, you can take this one step further by adding the verbange of “The same God who made the sun, the moon, and the stars made YOU.” Our kids can look up at the beautiful magnitude of the stars and see that the same God who made all of Creation also made them in His image. We also teach our kids to think about WHOSE they are rather than WHO they are. They are God’s Children, and even though they make mistakes and are not perfect, they belong to a perfect God.
6. “It’s okay to make mistakes.”
Part of being human means that you will make mistakes. No human being is perfect. One way we instill this in our children is by communicating “It’s okay to make mistakes” when they do something, in their humanness, that results in some sort of consequence. For example, whose kid has not spilled a drink or food? Instead of reacting out of frustration or anger, this is a gentle reminder to communicate to yourself and your kids that it is okay to make mistakes, and what is important when a mistake is made is to ask yourself, “What can I learn from this?” By instilling this in your kids, you will see that when you make a mistake and get frustrated with yourself, your kids will repeat the affirmation back to you, “It’s okay, Mom. Everyone makes mistakes!”
Affirmations are a valuable tool to help your child develop a consistent narrative of strength, perseverance, and love, allowing them to grow up hearing and believing in themselves. While these six affirmations work for my family, each family is unique in what will work and what you want to tell them. If you need help navigating your parenting journey, consider support that grows with your family. Connect with a therapist at The Counseling Center of Great Lakes. Our team of clinicians is here to help.
